Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
