i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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