I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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