the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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