This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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