I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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