$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
