Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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