the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
