I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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