I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
