Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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