i need an iv and a liver transplant
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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