So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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