i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
