My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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