life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
