having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My dick has a subreddit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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