It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
