I need to stop coming to work sober
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
a search helicopter?!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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