I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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