I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
