We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
