you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
