We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
