so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
