Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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