My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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