you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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