Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
false alarm, still single
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