Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
