Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
