and you said cock pushups were impossible
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
