Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
