i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
porn star boner night. come get it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
