do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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