I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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