I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
