The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
