I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
