My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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