one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
