I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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