im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
