Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I need moral support for this bender
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
