You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
