I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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