We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
