I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
