i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
is that a dick in a sweater?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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