my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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