I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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