it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
